Dream Jobs

Children are always told they can be whatever they want to be. Just another lie that we tell them.

If you're going to grow up to be over 6 foot and 15 stone then you're not going to be a jockey.

If you're spotty and chubby you won't work in a strip club.

If you are stupid then...well there's a lot of things to cross off the list.

It's great to encourage children but you should be realistic. If we could all be what we want to be then the Man United dressing room would be very full.

It would be nice to pick whatever job you wanted but it's just not possible. It's nice to dream though so that's what I'm going to do. Here are my top 5 jobs.

5. President
This is one is hard to get but it seems to be very easy. All you need to do is make public speeches, meet other presidents, shake hands with famous people and pose for photos. There's no actual work involved as far as I know.

Plus you only have to do about 5 years work and then you make your money by going around doing exactly the same thing but you are no longer known as the President.

The only downside is that you have to maintain your clean public image. This means that you can't be photographed stumbling out of a nightclub at two o clock. Other than that, it'd probably be higher on the list.

4. Sports star
You get loads of money, loads of fame and loads of free time. You don't even have to try to pull women when you go out anymore. They just fall at your feet.

The downsides to the job are the abuse you get from opposing fans. This is balanced out sometimes by the love from your own fans...until you change clubs and the ones who used to idolise you are now your worst enemies.

Having to keep fit is also a bit annoying. It will mean you can't go out at all when the season starts so you will just have to live it up for the 3 months holidays, like a teacher kind of.

The risk is that you could get injured by an accidental challenge (see above) and have to retire early with no other qualifications or job potential rendering you homeless, hungry and destitute like so many other retired sports stars.

3. Musician
You get to play the music you love to thousands of people every night. Then when you come off stage, somebody hands you a bottle of whiskey, a cigarette and some cocaine while some groupies dance naked in front of you.

You can't get too sucked into this lifestyle though. You will have to leave a few weeks spare to write and record a new album so you will be able to do it all again the following year.

The travel would be a bit annoying too. You wouldn't want to be a homesick prone person.

Plus the concerts would get a bit repetitive when you're basically singing the same songs every night.

Still, even if it all goes wrong and you can't do it anymore, you still have drink and drugs to turn to for comfort.

2. Actor
Memorise some lines, pull a few faces and then just sit back and wait for the money to roll in.

The best part of this job is that you don't have to deal with the filthy public as much. You might see them at Premieres of your film but that's only once a year.

The rest of the time you can live it up on some deserted Caribbean island with the usual ingredients for fun that I have mentioned above.

Drink, drugs, cigarettes and women.

Once you make that first good movie you don't even have to put your name out there anymore. You just sit back and wait for the offers to come in.

From then on, all you have to do is about a month or two of work. Work in this case consists of having a fairly decent memory and the ability to portray different moods on camera. Easy.

1. The Dole
Free money.

You only have to sign on once a month and that takes about half an hour at most. That means you are working less in a year than the normal poor fool is working in a day.

Sure the money isn't great but that's why they invented gambling. In my town, there is a bookies beside the post office (where I get my weekly free money) and a pub opposite. I call it the Bermuda Triangle.

You wake up the next day and have no idea where your money, your dignity or your pants are but who cares?

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The main thing I don't like about the first 4 jobs listed above is that you have to deal with people coming up annoying you. When you're on the dole, people will openly avoid you. It has all the perks of the other jobs with none of the hassle.

And the absolute best part of it is that anyone can go on the dole. There is no discrimination. You don't need a degree, experience or a skill. You just sign your name once a month and get paid for it.

If you can't write, just mark an 'X'. I've become so lazy now that that's what I do anyway.

Plus it reminds me of the mantra of the pirate (the equivalent of the dole 500 years ago) in that X marks the spot for free treasure.

Meat is Murder

It's Good Friday so we're not supposed to eat meat (except fish which for some reason is okay?). I don't care if Jesus came down and audibly tutted in my direction as I eat my dinner, I'm having chicken.

It says in the Bible that we're not meant to eat meat on any Friday during Lent but we have whittled it down to just Good Friday now. If we're not going to do it right then why do it at all.

There's a lot of things that the Bible says not to do that we do anyway.

I don't like doing things in half measures so I'm boycotting the whole thing altogether.

Take the Ten Commandments for instance.

The only ones with any real stigma anymore are the murder one and maybe the stealing one. Cheating is frowned upon and it's expected that you treat your parents with respect.

The rest are pretty much forgotten about.

Keep the Sabbath day holy. Doesn't happen anymore. Most people are hungover on Sunday or at work.

Don't worship false Gods. Ronaldo, One Direction and Batman are idolised.

Don't have any Godlike stuff that you worship. Most people have a cross hung in their house or around their neck.

Don't take the Lord's name in vain. It's probably been broke 1,000,000 times world wide since you finished reading this sentence.

The other two are about coveting your neighbours stuff and lying to them. People are total cunts to each other these days so that's largely ignored too.

This means that there are only 4 commandments that are really respected and that's at a stretch.

If we really believe the Bible then we should fear the consequences because the penance for breaking some of the ones we have broken is genocide.

It says so in the Bible.

If you don't acknowledge God, he will destroy the entire world.

There doesn't seem to be any backlash yet though so I wouldn't be too worried. If we can't respect all of the 10 rules then we shouldn't worry about any of them.

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God is actually a lot less forgiving than people think so we're all probably going to hell anyway. May as well enjoy yourself while you're here in that case.

Go out and murder someone you don't like.

Steal that new iPhone you wanted ever since you saw your neighbour with it.

Eat a big roast today.

Fuck the Bible and all it's ridiculous rules.

Cooking is not a Talent

Now that I've moved out of home again, I've had to cook for myself. I used to do the usual easy kind of bachelor dinners like waffles, beans and chicken nuggets (Once I mashed them all up together and told my housemate it was sushi...he believed me).

I never tried to cook anything that I couldn't make using a microwave, sandwich toaster or the grill. The oven intimidated me for a while but then I just realised that it was the same as the grill.

Remove food from package, place in oven, turn on oven, wait, remove food from oven and eat.

Simple.

After a while I noticed that using pots was just as easy as the oven. The procedure was pretty much the same. I noticed this while watching my other housemate putting vegetables on one day.

There was nothing on television so I had to look at him and hope something went wrong, which would entertain me. He's quite clumsy so I thought it was a guarantee. When nothing went wrong, I realised that cooking with pots must be quite easy too.

This new revelation meant that I could cook twice as many meals. I would have been ecstatic but I had no time to dwell on this new find because television started being good again, Countdown was on.

Once I tried and succeeded to make food in pots, I decided to be brave and move on to pans. The main difference is that you had to stay and watch the food, stirring occasionally.

I carefully studied the television listings and found several openings throughout the day by which I would have a half an hour to spare to stand by the frying pan.

When I realised that this was also easy I began to suspect whether cooking was indeed a skill or not.

Once I investigated this theory, I was shocked to find that any fool with an attention span can cook.

If you truly want to cook, then you can.

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I am at a place in my life now where I can make lasagna and shepherds pie. When I get it out of the oven, people are amazed.

The reality is that it is not that hard to make.

Sure it takes longer than chips and a burger but there is nothing involved in the making of the dish that should prevent any old fool from making it.

Fry mince for a while, throw vegetables and sauce on it and then put it in a dish with other layer thingys on it. Place in the oven for a while and then eat it. It's not rocket science.

I know that there are people out there who can make lasagna better than mine but that doesn't mean that they are more skilled at cooking than me.

They are just more OCD about the process. They want it to look nice. What's the point?

When the chef gets the food out of the oven to show it off, nobody is thinking 'that's aesthetically masterful'. They're thinking 'Put that bad boy on my plate and stop looking so smug you clown'.

Just because they have extra ingredients doesn't mean they are better either. I could cook using their recipe too and it'd be practically the same.

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Basically, all these chefs on television are getting away with tricking the whole world. They are like psychics and mediums except that people don't realise that they are con men or women.

I feel the need to unearth the truth that cooks are just your average neighbourhood rogues who are making money off the lie that 'cooking is a skill'.

If I'm wrong, which is unlikely, then that means that I am actually just a gifted cook and in that case I will be requesting a TV show.

Phil Your Belly.

Coming to a TV Channel near you soon.

My Lost Week

During the celebrations of St. Patricks Day last week, my laptop got banjaxed. I was out four nights in a row so obviously I can't remember how it happened but basically it brought down my productivity by 90%. That remaining 10% was eating, sleeping and collecting my dole.

I didn't realise how much I needed my laptop to do stuff. I probably had a fair idea but I just never really thought about it. I use it for socialising, entertainment and 'work'.

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The week I spent without my laptop meant that I had to watch an actual television...with a remote control. It was daunting but luckily it was like riding a bike and I still remembered how to use it.

Unluckily, it meant that I had to be subjected to some absolutely disgusting 'entertainment'. Here are some of the worst ones and why they should be banned from ever been shown again...and why the people involved in the show should be executed.

Fair City
If Fair City was an actual bar of soap your hands would be dirtier after using it. It is hideous. The acting, the storylines, the dialogue.

I get so angry watching it that I have to watch it while using my hand grip exercise thingys that are shown above (I don't know what they're called).

Slagging off Fair City is like beating a dead horse at this stage since it is so easy to do but that's my point.

It shouldn't be easy to abuse it.

The fact that it is surely means that it is shit. Cancel it and bring back Glenroe.

Take Me Out
I don't mind the English version as much but the Irish one is embarrassing. It makes all Irish girls look bitchy and up their own arse.

I'm not one bit surprised that any of them are single since they have such an obvious hatred for men.

I don't really go for any shows that may end up making a show of someone publicly, it's demoralising.

The lads who go on it are brave but I suspect that there are a few of the ones who got rejected, sat at home depressed right now, vowing revenge on women.

They will inevitably end up running into a salon with a machine gun and emptying a few rounds into the 'fairer' sex.

Although it would be totally worth it if they shouted 'Take me out? I'll fucking take ye all out ye horrible fuckers'.

I love me a bit of irony.

Tallafornia
I always refrained from giving out about this show because I had never seen it so I felt voicing my disdain for it would be a bit cheeky.

I could have watched an episode of it so I would be eligible to criticise it but I really, really didn't want to waste my time. This week I had time to waste so I said I'd watch it.

I was actually very surprised. It was way worse than I could have expected. I didn't think that was possible.

I can't stand fame hungry people who are very open about being fame hungry. They possess every quality I hate in a person.

I was going to put a picture of them up there but I couldn't face looking at them again so instead I have put a much less annoying picture up.

At the Races
Weekend on the beer after Cheltenham and they put horse racing on television?

What the fuck are they trying to do to me?

I had rent to pay this week.

Luckily I was too sick to drive to the bookies to put money in my account.

My laptop is back now though so I can get back to being productive now. Twitter, Youtube and Jobs.ie*.





*The last one was in case the Dole are checking up on me.

Everyday is a Holiday

March 14th was Steak and Blowjob Day. The 'holiday' was set up to apparently give women a chance to spoil their man after he has spoiled her on Valentines Day the previous month...not my words girls...Google told me.

I can't see it taking off to be honest. Certainly not to the same extent as Valentines anyway.

I, for one, could live without steak but I'm probably in the minority there.

I don't really like any of these celebratory days. That includes Easter, Christmas and Halloween.

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The idea of Christmas is grand. Spend a little time with the family and friends. The whole religious part of it could be done away with though. Why do we have celebrate the birth of some make believe saviour anyway?

Even if he had existed, he wasn't very good at his job. Very overrated in my opinion. He couldn't even manage to sort out Israel and that's less than 1% of the entire world. The place is still going mad 2,000 years later.

I'm not too gone on the whole Santa Claus thing either. Just give your kids presents and say they're from you. If you encourage your child to believe in things that don't exist, they could end up believing in that Jesus clown too.

Halloween is just another way of introducing our kids to begging. They're not even begging for money though, they're begging for sweets.

We're constantly being told that obesity is a problem with kids yet we send them out on the streets to beg for candy from strangers. It makes a paedophiles job a lot easier.

The worst part is that if they don't get the 'treat', they will do a 'trick'. This usually entails egging a house so add vandalism to the cons of this ridiculous holiday.

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I don't mind the fancy dress parties though. In fact I quite like them, even though I rarely dress up.

The thing is, having them at Halloween makes the themed parties a rarity for the rest of the year. If we were having fancy dress parties in summer, I could finally get to wear my schoolgirl outfit without being scared of the cold.

Easter is another holiday which children will mark in the calendar as a day where they can indulge themselves in sweets. Also like Halloween, it's a time to celebrate things that don't exist.

Ghosts, monsters and zombie Jesus are grand for movies and books but do they deserve a whole day of celebration? Why do these fictional characters get preference over some of the true classics?

Why is there no Mafia day?

Cowboy day?

Pirate day?

At least those characters are proven to have existed on Earth and the movies about them are much better.

*

The thing is there could well be a Mafia/Cowboy/Pirate day that I don't know about. There seems to be something on every day of the year whether it be world renowned like Mothers/Fathers Day or something small like Snowman Burning Day (that's next Wednesday by the way).

The only way that they should be allowed to continue is if there is a worldwide vote on what the 365 days should be celebrating.

They can vary from good causes, to fun days, to remembrance days but religious days will be abolished.

Between Easter Eggs, candy and pancakes, religious holidays seem to have the end result of making children fat. Why would the Church want to make children fat and therefore slow?

We know what you're up to ye crafty fuckers.

How Cheltenham Works

Tuesday
There will be a few short odds sure things on the first day of the festival. These are guaranteed to win meaning that punters will be up money straight away leading them to believe that they finally have it cracked.

Those who do not bet today will be lured into betting tomorrow because of these great value wins. Bookies lose out but they have got the attention of gamblers and potential gamblers.

Wednesday
Some more short odds sure things but today, some of them will lose. Most punters will probably be still up marginally or have broke even.

Their interest is still there for tomorrow though because the winning and placed horses for most races will be the ones that were tipped to finish there, in any given order.

If anybody hasn't done as well as yesterday, they will put it down to being too greedy and promise to not be as cocky the next time.

People who only started backing today will probably be down money and get thick, vowing to win their money back tomorrow.

Thursday
It's getting harder to pick the winners now because there are more evenly matched races.

If you are lucky enough to get winners in some races, you will be marginally up today and still have interest in tomorrow.

If you break even then you will be happy not to be down and treat yourself to one more day because you think you have been disciplined so far.

If you are down money, you will see Friday as a chance to win your money back.

Friday
Everybody loses. Nobody will be up money after the week. It's a lottery trying to pick a winner and if you are lucky enough to win, you will lose it on the following races.

Some people will already be broke from yesterday and have turned to the drink to cheer themselves up. The people losing today will think that's a great idea and join them in the pub.

Friday night will be a busy night out but it will be shit because everybody is poor and depressed. People who have never really gambled before will be in debt and be confused about what's happened since the glory of Tuesday.

Saturday
Everybody is hungover and distraught with the money they've lost. Some of the smarter people will admit defeat and give up. They won't back horses again until next festival.

The stupid ones will try to win their money back with any racing on today. They will back horses, dogs, virtual racing and maybe roulette in an attempt to win their money back. They will inevitably lose bar the select few lucky ones who will break even or maybe be up a fiver.

The ones who are up money will shove it in everybody's face telling people they won on Cheltenham. They won't mention how much money they are up or if they do, they are lying.

Big night out on town again.

Much more depressing than Friday night.

Sunday
Everybody is dying and broke. They can't afford dinner but still find the means to go out on the beer again. Fuck it shr, it's Paddy's Day, you have to go out.

Everybody is angry and drunk. The pub jukeboxes start blasting out rebel songs. Everybody gets angrier and drunker leading to an all out civil war. If you are out tonight, you will never be more than ten feet away from a fight.

The country is on the brink of total destruction but then it's half two, the national anthem plays and everybody remembers what the day is really about - Saint Patrick freeing us from the snakes.

Everybody cries, hugs and makes up. The session continues into the early morning.

Monday
Everybody sheepishly continues with their lives. People go back to work. Bookkeepers go on holiday. Tesco burgers sell through the roof. Everybody vows never to mention Cheltenham again.

It will last 11 months.

Tips: Tiger O'Toole, 66/1 - Friday 4:40...€30 win

King of the Dinosaurs

I looked up a list of dinosaurs today to see which one had the coolest name. There were 1338 names in the list.

I had originally planned on taking my time and conducting the experiment properly but after seeing the length of the list, I decided just to do a quick scan. I found some interesting names all the same.

Philovenator, which apparently means ‘love hunter’. It makes it sound like a rapist or one of those women who goes out with her girlfriends after ending a relationship but spends the night crying into some poor saps pint glass. 

I googled an image of the Philovenator, it was fucking outrageous. It’s like the body of a velociraptor but with bright red wings, tinted with blue. It’s definitely my new favourite dinosaur, even if it does sound like it was named for a combination of characters in the Hangover, Superbad and American Pie.

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Everyone says that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the ‘King of the Reptiles’ but maybe they’ve found other dinosaurs since they named the T-Rex and they were much more powerful than it was. They named Elvis the ‘King of Rock n Roll’ before they had even heard of some of the legends that followed him.

Another cool dinosaur I found was a Dilong, which is like a T-Rex but about the size of a large dog. If it was still alive today it could be a cool little pet.

All you’d need to do is train it not to rip your face from your skullbox and then you’d have a loyal and friendly little reptile to mind the kids while you went to the pub on a Saturday afternoon. 

Spinosaurus was also one of my favourites. It’s believed to be the biggest carnivorous dinosaur known to man. It’s kind of like a T-Rex but it has a crocodile type mouth and a big mad elongated spine to prevent people riding it I suppose. Surely this should be the king of the reptiles?

They even alluded to this fact in Jurassic Park 3. I didn't see the film, I just read it on the internet. I didn't even know there was a third film in the series.

Lastly is the Mohammadisaurus, which resembles the Brontosaurus. This would be a much better religious leader for Muslims to have than plain old Mohammad. America wouldn't be so quick to invade countries for oil if this was what they were dealing with.

I’d probably be more religious myself if this were my ‘god’. Imagine crucifying HIS son? I’d be petrified to nail a picture of it to my bedroom wall never mind nailing the real thing to a cross. Maybe I should create a new religion with a dinosaur God.

I'm a Pirate

I'm going to risk the 5 years in jail and the €125,000 fine by saying that I have pirated many forms of media in my life.

Some of it was when I didn't know it was illegal.

I taped movies on television so I didn't see any major problem with downloading movies. Whoever invented VCR is to blame for my mindset. Had I known it was illegal at the time, I would probably still have done it.

Sometimes it's hard to find the movie you want so it's the best option. Most of the films that I downloaded and enjoyed are now in my DVD collection so maybe it is a victimless crime. I don't think I should have to part with money if a movie is shit so it works out.

It's pretty acceptable in the world today even if it is considered a crime. People don't think much of downloading an album and copying it for their friends.

If you apply the same scenario to a physical product in a shop, suddenly you're a scumbag.

That kind of thing is common place in society, two similar misdemeanors where one is considered a lot worse than the other.

Beating up a man from Pakistan is always going to get you in more trouble than kicking the shit out of a Dubliner.

Sometimes things that are actually legal are considered worse than illegal stuff.

Prostitution doesn't break any laws as far as I know but there is a bigger stigma attached to it than people who drink drive.

I don't see the problem with prostitution but society seems to look down on it. It's a good way to make money if it's what you want to do.

Some people end up going home with someone they regret when they're full of alcohol but I'd say it'd be a lot easier to accept if they had gotten a handful of money for it.

*

People who sell their body for money are told by society that they are making sex scummy but people who cheat on their partners don't get near as much grief.

I think cheating is an awful thing to do yet it's just brushed aside most of the time and the people who do it, get away with it for the most part.

I think it's a bit shitty that if I cheated on someone I could have people pissed off with me for a week and then I'm in the clear but if I download a U2 album and sell it to somebody, I could get fined a six figure sum.

It sucks but I suppose that's the life of a pirate.

The Art of the Death Threat

Man United lost controversially last night. The referee is being blamed. I suspect he is receiving numerous death threats as a result. I've never been so annoyed with someone that I decided to sit down to write them a horrible letter.

Maybe I don't care enough about things.

Maybe I'm too lazy.

Maybe I think it's the most ridiculous thing you can do to voice your anger about a particular subject.

I can't grasp the concept of it. How do you go from murderous rage to writing a letter?

Surely if you are that annoyed about something you would actually do something about it rather than write a letter that will be largely ignored by the recipient.

What do you expect to gain from it all?

Fair enough if you plan to follow it up and kill the person but that's rarely the case.

*

It's probably a scare tactic and to be honest it would be unsettling to know that somebody wishes death on you but would you really fear for your life?

I don't know the percentage of death threats that have ended in actual death but I would suspect it is lower than 1%.

I reckon that most assassinations go ahead without a letter of notice. People have learned from Bond villains failing after revealing their plans.

Death threats and general abusive messages are a lot more accessible these days with Twitter. The good thing about it though is that you can only use 140 characters so it's hard to really get your point across with that short allowance.

Also, the people who are most likely to receive them seem to be very famous so I'm sure that there are more tweets from actual fans than intentions to kill.

You could easily ignore them and just concentrate on the positive ones. Or you could respond to them with a witty remark like Malcolm above.

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Soccer referees are a different story though. They are largely unknown until they fuck up.

I reckon that they would have about 1,000 followers before they make a poor decision and then tens of thousands after that, all of whom would be baying for blood. If I was a referee I would probably delete my Twitter account.

Although maybe they wouldn't mind all the abuse. They're certainly used to it anyway.

There's nobody in the game of football likely to receive more abuse than the poor referee...bar maybe Cristiano Ronaldo.

I have sent a few tweets to celebrities myself in the month I have been signed up to the site. None of them would be considered death threats. I tend to give cheek to them instead.

If a player costs me a bet, I feel obliged to let him know in the hope that he repays me. It has yet to prove profitable but I live in hope.

The other tweets I have sent would be in the banter category. I don't think I could hate somebody I have never met. I wouldn't be making an accurate decision.

That's why I save all my death threats for the people I know...and I will follow through with them too...

Disclaimer: That last bit was heavily sarcastic...just in case.

Save the Babies

I keep seeing these ridiculous photos on my Facebook news feed of some child on a hospital bed with a crazy looking physical defect. 

The premise for it is that if you like, share or comment on the photo, Facebook will send $1 towards treatment for the infant. 

Anyone who believes that kind of shit is not very bright. Some of these things have one millions likes. Do they think that Facebook is donating one million dollars to help one child? 

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People don’t have any common sense anymore. They dive straight into things without thinking it through. 

I think that they just like these photos straight away whilst thinking about how awful it is that this child is in so much pain because there is no way that they could click the button while imagining Mark Zuckerberg adding a dollar to the ‘Baby Fund’. 

I suppose that’s sweet of them but they’d want to smarten themselves up before they get fooled like that in real life.

The people who came up with the whole idea are the ones who I can’t understand. 

What is the point of it all? 

Is it knowing that they are making a fool of loads of people? 

Or is it for the attention? 

I don’t get what satisfaction they could get by telling someone ’10,000 people liked my dying baby post yesterday’. Are people that desperate for attention that they become absolute scumbags to get it? I suppose it’s the way things are these days.

 I think a lot of the people that got famous through things like Big Brother and other reality shows are acting different just so people remember them. 

They probably don’t mind walking down the street knowing that people are looking at them, thinking they are unintelligent. 

In fact, it’s probably exactly what they want to happen.

*

This whole need to be noticed and to make a name for yourself is getting out of hand.

It’s a pity that earning fame isn’t the drug that people crave instead.

At least that way, some attention hungry asshole could be slaving away in a laboratory working on the cure for cancer so they could get a big pat on the back from the entire population of the planet.

Sadly it’s easier to get your picture in Heat magazine by wanking off a pig on live television.

I'm a Ghost(Myth)buster

People believe in lots of things that are not proven to exist. Gods are the most common one but there are also aliens and ghosts.

Religion is a comfort to lots of people so while I don't believe in it, I don't mind other people believing in it. So as long as they don't try to force it upon me...(and don't take offence when I mock them).

I think that there is a big chance of aliens existing. The universe is huge, there could easily be life forms on other planets. Some day, probably long after I'm gone, I reckon we will encounter them. I don't think they'll be as horrible as Hollywood makes them out to be either.

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The other one is the one that annoys me most. Ghosts. It doesn't make any logical or scientific sense yet lots of people will believe in them. Why?

It's just as ridiculous as the idea of God but unlike religion, it doesn't offer you any comfort believing they exist. It's the very opposite. It terrifies you.

I know that most of these people are too scared (or too stupid?) to really think about it and realise that there is as much chance of ghosts flying around as there is dodos, actually it's much lower than that.

There are a lot of horror movies that claim to be 'based on a true story', which is okay in one sense but really awful in another.

Sure, it adds to the scare factor of the movie to pretend that it could actually happen but when people start to really believe these things happen, that's when the President of Hollywood needs to release a statement to the general public, telling them that they were fabricating the truth and there's nothing to worry about.

People also believe that Ouija boards can contact the dead.

I can't understand how people can believe that when there is a message being spelled out, it's a ghost is talking to them. Does it not register with them that maybe the device is moving on the board because Johnny across the table likes to play tricks on gullible tools?

Even if they were communicating with the dead, they ask the stupidest questions. They ask about themselves or the past or the future. Why don't you ask about life as a ghost you dickheads? Get some much needed info on the subject for when it's your own turn.

People who claim to be able to talk to ghosts are the worst though. They should be locked up.

If they actually believe that they are conversing with spirits, put them in the crazy house.

If they are just conning stupid people out of their money, then fire them into prison. Surely that counts as fraud?

In today's day and age, you would think that doing something like that would be banned but it's not.

I suppose there's eviler things to tackle such as drugs, prostitutes and piracy. I would make all three of those things legal before ghost talking anyway.

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I know there is a contradiction in what I've been saying, in that people who are hiring ghost talkers to communicate with their dead relatives are also getting a comfort similar to the one religion offers.

The only thing is, the Church doesn't take innocents peoples money for that comfort.